Dreams

I met you in a dream once
We walked hand in hand
Along the gentle tide of the sea
As it caressed the soft warm sand

This was your dream
A place where you could be alone
But you welcomed me into your dream
As if it were my own

I heard you sing to me once
When my mind was in pain
Your voice soothed my aching muscles
And made me feel strong again

This was your song
One you could sing alone
But you shared with me the melody
As if it were my own

I saw your room once
Decorated in your own cute way
And showed me all the things you love

This was your home
Where you could be alone
But you welcomed me in
As if it were my own

And although it seems
That this is all a dream
I am glad for it
This joy I have is how a heart should feel

This is my life
For too long I have been alone
But I offer to share it all with you
As if it were your own

Some times I wonder.. what am I?

I look at the stars and feel very small,

just a tiny consciousness.

but if I were tall as a planet,

I would still be short in comparison to the universe.

I see a person twice my size,

and I feel weak and fragile.

but if I were strong and powerful,

I would still not be invincible.

I see a painting by the hand of a genius,

I feel inexperienced and ignorant.

but if I were the greatest artist alive,

it would not make me love what I do any more or less.

I see blood running from a wound of another,

and I feel a fearing chill deep within.

but if I walked this world with bravery,

it would not make things less dangerous.

I see a baby innocent and naive,

and I feel cynical and jaded.

but if I saw through untainted eyes all my life,

it would not make the world a better place.

I see a rain drop, tear of the sky.

and I feel ugly and unsightly.

but if I were as beautiful as rain,

it would not make me crystal clear inside.

There are children with tears.

mother's with bruises,

people worse off than dead.

I wonder if I am just lucky or if the world was cruel.

but even if the world was kind or if I were dying too.

there would still be suffering.

I weep all night, I live in nightmares,

I loose myself thinking of such things.

But even if I could right every wrong

if I could run faster,

or jump higher,

or be stronger,

it would not make me better or happier.

With what I have, I'll do what I can

and like what I do.

Two worlds

Midnight is my time to dance

When the breeze is cool

and the constellations chatter in the moonlight,

Slinking along underneath the blue shadows

veiled across the ground like watercolor ashes

In the dark I 'm feeling chocked up in my own skin

So i peel it away and it slides down to my heels

With a little nudge it drops off into the dew dropped grass

Free of restraints, no longer shackled to myself

I dance in to the blue

Singing with the stars and howling at the moon...

Prepare-- Shock Waves Possible!

My alter ego today is The Survivor.. my super power for revolution lies in my epiphany for change, brought on with the aid of a serious reality check. Today I have reached a turning point. It may all be over but the crying.. But I have the strength to move on a create a better situation for myself. You may say I never saw it coming or learn things the hard way, but with profound change comes a new opportunity, So I will tear down the walls and rebuild new.

She was standing on the edge when the tower fell.

When the last stitch came undone,

and the world fell into darkness.

The deck of cards in her hands,

fanned out into the air.

She closed her eyes against the storm

against the hearts and fell into the void.

She was Alice tumbling down the rabbit hole again.

And with a smile she fell past the screaming Queens and dueling lovers,

A crow cawed twice in vulgar recognition..

And all was calm...

My Secret Place

Everyone should have one.. This is my secret place where only a few know the path way here. I was a bit uneasy when I discovered that the woman I love was given a GPS System so she could re-calculate her way back. I wanted to be able to say all those things inside of my some what eccentric mind.. I am not a shy person, just very secretive. Do I really want a person to know me totally without leaving any thing to mystery?
As days go by the answer is not so much any more, Seriously I wondered what I am waiting for. I am getting older and it's time that once again another knows me unconditionally. It seems so damn long ago that I felt this opening up. I once had a friend who could see straight through me into my soul, she's gone now... waiting... until that day.

I am happy she is visiting now and again, maybe she will understand me better. Maybe she can read words I put on paper that make a whole hell of allot of sense to me if no one else. I write so much, I wouldn't call it poetry.. I think that should be left to the gifted, I write how things feel inside of me, how I react and how I see life.

You just have to close your eyes and open wide your minds eye after you read it and all the things that seem illusions find a way to develop for you, well they do for me. Remember the Madder Hatter and Alice, and you will be on your way ...

Find a Heart that will love you at your worst,
Find Arms that will hold you at your weakest..


Finally I have found out what 'True Love' means, the statement above is my discovery. Not anyone else's version just mine. This subject has taken a pre-occupation mode in my mind, not dwelling for a long time because I am still stronger than it is. It slips in as quietly as it leaves.
I don't feel as left out and almost robbed of this feeling any more. Suddenly today it came to me, that I am a "True Love" to the ones I care about. I will always love them, and my arms will always hold them when they need. A fascinating emotion to fully understand for myself.
I am happy today...

When you went to the fire,
What did you see?
A beautiful woman looking at me.
With fire in her eyes,
And sparks in her hair,
I was delighted to dance with her there.

When you went to the ocean,
What did you see?
A beautiful mother looking at me.
With rain in her eyes,
And foam in her hair,
I was delighted to lie with her there.

When you went to the forest
What did you see?
A beautiful maiden looking at me.
With birds in her eyes,
And wind in her hair,
I was delighted to sing with her there.

When you went to the mountains
What did you see?
A wizened grandmother looking at me.
With stars in her eyes,
The moon in her hair,
I was delighted to live with her there.

*POOF*

Pagan~ that is my spirituality I know that there are love potions, protection potions, love spells, protection spells.. But their are no spells or potion to *POOF* make someone gone in a persons heart. This is what I am faced with right now, the one I love unconditionally and soulfully loves a man. A man who she was with seven years ago and he broke her heart. He is her "true love." I don't know what that is. About 2yrs ago we started talking every night, For the first time in my life of 52 yrs. I fell hard, in love with her. I thought she loved me too, she told me that she did, words I have never heard from another. Only a few months in she wrote me a email about this guy that was her soul mate, I came to a screeching halt within and stored the message away in my mind. I left and went to Mexico I was so heart broken, But I would never let her know that she had the power to break me.

We have had struggles, we have had giant walls we had to climb over just to re-unite many times. So easily she cast me away, never to miss my voice on the phone, never to miss what I believed so much was love between us. I Continued the struggle on my own all the way back to her, with pain in my heart I refused to let her just slip away.

Damn I have tried so many times to conquer that long path into her heart, but something always gets in the way. I talk about fate, I talk about the Universe, I talk about the Goddess. I truly think that the force at times between us comes from them all. She hates that I use the word test because she thinks that is always what I am doing, testing her. It's beyond me, it's my life coming full circle. With her is where I need and want to be.

She told me a few days ago that she wanted him out of her heart, out of her mind and out of her life. She said' I want you to help me, make him go away.." I don't know how, can I really chase his memory away? If I could wouldn't it of happened by now? No one knows how deep this pain is in me, I am second to a man who doesn't want her, I am not a true love or even a love at all I don't think.
How can you go from I love you to I have always been in love with someone else, even when I wanted to think it might be you.

For fucks sake where do I go from here?

Power of the Universe.. Our Goddess

Wow, it's been a while since I have been here. The whole reason for this place was Therapy for myself, the good old fashion healing.. A wise woman once said... At the time, I at least thought she was. Holy crap has life for me again, flipped and did a big full circle! Noting that AGAIN I got stuck midway. I am just now free.
I found an old familiar friend called heartache, didn't miss it as much as it missed me cause it knocked me square on my ass when it seen me again. As if to say Oh how I've missed you!! *shaking head*
I worked hard, risked it all and helped a great amount of women find peace, satisfaction and the personal power of strength. They stand with me now, we are the toughest WOMEN on the mountain. Just try to topple us off and you will see the Amazon Warrior that flows within our veins. Just as Athena, the Greek goddess of wisdom, war, justice and skill.

I suffered 3 great losses in my life, but the one that brought me to my knees was the loss of a amazing friend. She opened my heart, she rescued my soul and during the tragic events of death in my family I lost her. I had to fly far away, away from the pain to regenerate myself. It's not as if I took a plane to a quiet secluded place to regroup. The lonely part of going to the fires to be engulfed.. to be reborn. I can only surrender to this process I have no choice or restraint in the matter.. I am on my way to pure hell and back... alone. I am fire or ice, I am no where in between.
I have slightly managed to reconnect with her, I know she is skeptical of me, shying away from what she thinks is another round of eventual pain and disappointment for her from me. I don't know how to explain to her that I care for her so much it hurts, really it fucking does. Things just seem to happen to me so unexpected that there are times I think the Goddess is laughing at me as she throws me face first into a brick wall, it takes that amount of force for me to realize I am not supposed to be going that direction. She has other intentions for me, jeez.. if I could only remember to walk around the wall the next time, and the next, and the next. I consider myself an intelligent woman, but there are times I really have to stop and wonder about my own self. I have decided to use caution for now on and STOP during moments that are so tramatic or confussing and wait long enough to look up into the sky and see who is looking down..